How do we parent an adult? Should we even be trying to parent them anymore? Is it better to guide them or leave them be to figure it out in their own? These are all good questions and I unfortunately don’t have any answers. Maybe we can fugure it out together.
All three of my offspring are now legally, technically adults. In various forms of maturity. Sometimes I get the distinct impression they would rather not be parented at all anymore. And sometimes, like when I pay for things, I think they are happy for it. Mostly, they and we stumble back and forth across the line of interfereing versus staying out of it, trying to decide what feels right in the parent/adult child relationship.
That struggle becomes more intense when the situation they are facing is particularly overwhelming, heartbreaking and difficult to solve in their own. That is compounded by my brain telling me that if I had done something different when they were younger, they may not be facing the same struggles now. Of course, I my brain also believes that if I just get them through this one struggle, they will be okay for the rest of their lives. (You may roll your eyes at me now.)
I think back to how my mom and dad parented me when I was a young adult. I feel like they were always there for me. Listened. Offered advice when asked. Maybe offered advice when not asked. Paid for a few things. I know for sure that I always felt loved and supported.
I rememebr how weird the tranisition was when I first had kids, and I realized that I was now responsible for every decision regarding their lives. This is a weird transition, too, going from being the one making all the decisions to wondering if I should be making any. From parenting children to parenting adults. In these situations, when I feel stuck in my current circumstances and can’t seem to find a path forward, I try to think about what I would say if a friend came to me with the same circumstances. Be there for them any way you can. Let them know you love them and will support them. Let them know you believe in them. And then let them try. And fail. And try again. And if it gets too bad, be ready to bail them out if needed. (Hopefully not literally!) Most importantly, take care of yourself.